At this time of year, many parents are packing their cars full to the brim, driving many miles taking their ‘child’ to university to start the next chapter of their life. This journey can have many mixed emotions for both parent and child.
As a parent, if you are currently facing this transition, you’ll know that witnessing your child become more independent can feel bittersweet. You might feel immensely proud of the young adult they are becoming yet also feeling a deep sense of loss and emptiness as you become acutely aware of the silence they leave behind.
For many parents this transition doesn't happen in isolation. You aren't simply trying to adjust to an ‘empty nest’, you are trying to process a major life transition with your child leaving home. Parents are also often juggling other responsibilities, for example, working, managing the household and other caring responsibilities. In addition, for many women, this phase of life also brings significant hormone challenges of the perimenopause and changes during midlife.
The Pressure on Women in Midlife
Society often talks about empty nest syndrome as if it’s a single, isolated event and one where parents may suddenly have less responsibilities and endless free time. However, for many this couldn't be further from the truth.
Instead, you might be managing other roles and responsibilities:
- The Sandwich Generation: Whilst the pressure of day-to-day parenting may have eased, many have aging parents who require more daily emotional and/or physical support.
- Work/Career: Managing work demands and responsibilities may be constant, whilst also trying to balance your own needs and the needs of your family.
- Perimenopause: For women, this phase brings the physical, emotional and cognitive symptoms associated with the menopause. This can often compound feelings of fatigue, anxiety, overwhelm and emotional vulnerability.
- Emotional Anchor: Despite living at university, parents will often remain the primary ‘emotional anchor’ for their child and help them to navigate their stress and daily living from a distance.
When caring for others, it’s easy to ignore your own difficult and often complex feelings about this stage of life.
Why the University Transition Feels So Disorienting
Raising young ones through their childhood and adolescence requires a particular ‘hands-on’ approach to parenting. Structure, routine and carrying the physical, mental and emotional load has been your daily experience and focus for the past twenty years or more.
When a child moves away to university, it can result in mixed emotions, and many often question their identity and purpose.
- Conflicting Emotions: Feeling immense pride alongside grief, loss and loneliness. You may feel relief when the shopping bills are reduced or the laundry loads become fewer whilst also balancing the sadness they’re not at home.
- Questioning Identity: During this period, you may be asking yourself, "Who am I? I’m not needed as a parent every day". This period brings the focus of moving our role from parenting teenage/adolescents to parenting young adults.
Ways to Support Yourself Through This Period
Allow yourself ‘permission’ to adjust to this new way of being. It isn’t about ‘getting over it’ or filling the added time you may now have with extra work or activities. Give yourself permission to adapt at your own pace.
| Focus Area | Practical Action |
| Acknowledge the Grief | Allow yourself to feel the loss of the daily parenting and routine. Grief and pride can coexist. |
| Redefine Boundaries | Review your boundaries around your personal time. You don't immediately need to say ‘yes’ to new work tasks or commitments just because a child has left home. |
| New Parenting Style | Shift from daily parenting to adult-to-adult connection. Consider discussing and agreeing to scheduled weekly catch-up or casual text exchange helps maintain closeness without encroaching their space. |
| Self-Care | Focus on the small acts of self-care, whatever brings you a moment of calm and joy. Perhaps a quite cup of your favourite tea before work, a walk without a phone, or returning to hobby or finding a new interest. |
Finding Your Own Space
You have spent years holding space for your child to grow, develop, and thrive. As they launch and navigate into their new world, remember that this is a significant transition for you too.
How Counselling Can Help
Navigating these major life transitions while balancing midlife demands can feel overwhelming to process alone. Integrative therapy provides a dedicated, quiet space to explore your changing identity, set healthy boundaries, and rediscover what you need in this next chapter.
If you are finding this period of life difficult and are seeking support, please contact me. I have a special interesting in supporting women through this phase of their life and the menopause. I offer counselling, both in-person in Haywards Heath and online. I offer a free 20minute initial consultation to see how counselling may benefit you.