Have you ever wondered why relationships feel relatively straightforward and secure for some people, but incredibly confusing or overwhelming for others? I know this is something I have reflected on deeply within my own therapy over the years. It was difficult for me to trust others, hard to express my emotions and let alone consider I may have needs! For me, it was certainly a recurring pattern that I was beginning to notice, how I was relating,  connecting and showing up with the people in my life.

Maybe you might recognise moments like these:

• Feeling a wave of anxiety or panic when someone takes a while to text back?
• Wanting to pull away or freeze the moment someone gets a bit too close?
• A quiet, persistent worry that you’ll eventually be rejected or abandoned?
• Finding it incredibly hard to let your guard down and fully trust someone?

What helped me is to look at my common patterns through the lens of attachment theory and my own childhood experience. This became an easier way of understanding how I was connecting  with others, rooted deeply in my early experiences of connection.

So, let’s take a close look at these attachment styles, how they take shape, and importantly how they can change over time.

What is Attachment Theory?

Originally developed by British psychologist John Bowlby, attachment theory looks at how the bond between a child and their early caregivers shapes their emotional growth.

As children, we entirely rely on our caregivers for safety, comfort, and survival. Based on how those early years felt, we subconsciously build answers to three questions:

• “Am I safe?”
• “Can I truly rely on others when I need them?”
• “Am I worthy of love and care?”

Psychologists call the answers to these questions our "internal working model", which you could imagine as our emotional blueprint. Unconsciously, we carry this childhood blueprint into our adulthood, using it to navigate our friendships, workplaces, and romantic relationships.

How Do Attachment Styles Develop?

Our attachment style is largely shaped by how consistently our emotional needs were met when we were growing up.

• When care is consistent, warm, and responsive, we learn that the world is a safe place to explore and that people are dependable.
• When care is inconsistent, emotionally distant, or overwhelming, we adapt by creating protective coping strategies to keep ourselves safe.

It is important to remember that these protective patterns are not defects, they were set up according to our childhood environment and experiences. Therefore, they can sometimes create unintentional relational difficulties in our adult lives.

The Four Attachment Styles

Very few people identify with just one style, it can often change depending on the situation. However, most people will have a "home base" pattern that we default to when stress levels rise.

1. Secure Attachment

Securely attached adults generally feel comfortable with emotional intimacy. They can communicate their needs clearly, handle disagreements calmly, and express their feelings openly. If a partner needs some space, they don't automatically panic, because they have a core belief that they are loved, safe and valued. This style typically develops when early caregiving was reliable, predictable, and supportive.

2. Anxious Attachment

If you lean toward an anxious style, you likely crave deep closeness but find yourself worrying that people will leave you or don't care as much as you do. You might find yourself overanalysing small shifts in a partner's tone of voice, checking your phone constantly, or needing frequent reassurance to feel okay. This often stems from inconsistent early caregiving, where warmth and attention felt unpredictable.

3. Avoidant Attachment

People with an avoidant style often pride themselves on being completely self-sufficient. Emotional closeness can feel uncomfortable or unsafe, so independence becomes a source of safety. If an argument gets intense or a partner asks for deeper vulnerability, an avoidant style might shut down, pull away, or through themselves into work or hobbies to cope. This often develops when early caregivers were emotionally unavailable, teaching the child that it is safer to only rely on themselves.

4. Disorganised (Anxious-Avoidant) Attachment

This style is often described as a "push-pull" dynamic and can feel incredibly confusing to experience. There is a deep, painful longing for love and closeness, right alongside a profound fear of it. You might find yourself intensely drawn to someone, but the moment the relationship becomes real and vulnerable, a sense of panic kicks in, prompting you to push them away before they have the chance to hurt you. This is often linked to early childhood environments that felt fearful, traumatic, or highly unpredictable.

Moving Toward "Earned Security"

If you saw yourself in the anxious, avoidant, or disorganized patterns, please know this: while your past set the stage, it does not have to dictate the rest of your story.

With self-awareness, compassion, and intentional support, you can develop what we call earned security. This means that no matter what your early years looked like, you can actively change your relational patterns, learn to trust, and build deeply fulfilling, stable connections today.

You don't have to navigate this healing journey all on your own. Through counselling, we work together in a safe, warm, and entirely non-judgmental space to gently unpack these old blueprints with compassion and help you move forward. If any of this resonates with you and you would like to explore further, get in touch today.

References

• Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.
• Fraley, R. C., Roisman, G. I., Booth-LaForce, C., Owen, M. T., & Holland, A. S. (2013). Interpersonal and genetic origins of adult attachment styles: A longitudinal study from infancy to early adulthood.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104(5), 817–838.
• Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process.Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
• Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2006). Attachment theory, individual psychodynamics, and relationship functioning. InThe Cambridge Handbook of Personal Relationships (pp. 251–272). Cambridge University Press.